Adapted from an online discussion.

Dear Carolyn: My husband decided that he functions better when he goes to bed later and gets up later, so he stopped going to bed with me and would crawl into bed a couple of hours after I did.

Since then, he keeps finding new reasons to sleep in the guest bed in his office instead of with me. We got a puppy, and the back door is closer to his office. Our older dog had surgery and couldn’t take the stairs. Each of those added up to months. I came down with covid. He got sick, too, and just didn’t answer when I asked if he was coming back to bed.

I’ve asked point-blank if he just doesn’t want to share a bed with me, and he denies it, but then he keeps sleeping elsewhere anyway.

I miss my husband, and I don’t know how else to ask the same question if he won’t give me a straight answer.

Advertisement

— Take the Hint?

Take the Hint?: I’m sorry. You have your answer, just not in words.

I suggest two things from here: 1. Say it for him. “You deny that you prefer to sleep in separate rooms, but your choices every night are making that preference clear. It’s not what I want, I think I’ve made myself clear there — but I would rather hear you say it than be in this kind of weird limbo where I’m being told one thing and living another. So. Would you like to make it official, that you are more comfortable having your own room and own bed?” That phrasing is much easier to agree to, by the way, than, “Do you not want to share a bed with me anymore?” which emotionally can be much more loaded than the situation really is. Some people just sleep much better alone, nothing personal.

2. Tell him how you feel: that you will accept it, for example, but also miss having him next to you. Express your worries about intimacy and suggest other ways to stay close.

Advertisement

People still reflexively connect sleeping apart with alienation — whisper, whisper, “separate bedrooms!” — but will grant in the next sentence how important sleep is to physical and mental health. Snorers, insomniacs, fidgets, late readers, human furnaces and other involuntary enemies of co-sleeping, and people who just prefer to sleep alone, can have close, loving, intimate marriages, too. Imagine if marriage had to be one thing for everyone? Ouf.

Re: Hint: My partner stops breathing for a long time. Like … 45 seconds. Often, as soon as he falls asleep. I’m not a doctor, so I can’t say it’s sleep apnea, but I know it’s dangerous, and he refuses to get a sleep study. Listening to someone you love dearly and passionately STOP BREATHING is agony. When I can’t stand it, I get up and sleep in the next room. I hate it, but I’ve also said my piece about sleep apnea, he’s said no, and there’s nothing more I can do.

— Anonymous

Advertisement

Anonymous: There is one more thing — you can make sure your wills and other paperwork are in order. This must be terrifying; I’m so sorry he won’t hear you.

Re: Hint: My husband and I have always had separate bedrooms. It’s wonderful. We both get good-quality sleep and still engage in plenty of happy time. Definitely discuss it to make sure there isn’t something bigger lurking. If not, try not to take it personally and set up a bedroom for him. You won’t regret it.

ncG1vNJzZmivp6x7uK3SoaCnn6Sku7G70q1lnKedZK6lwsicnGhqYGeBcHyWaGppZ5OWv7C42KdkoZmoYrW2v8GapZ1lo5q9or7ArZxmmpWZv7C7zKxm